Ana Pires 2.0

Diazepam, first marketed as Valium by Hoffmann-La Roche, is a benzodiazepine derivative drug. It possesses anxiolytic, anticonvulsant, sedative, skeletal muscle relaxant and amnestic properties. It is commonly used for treating anxiety, insomnia, seizures, alcohol withdrawal, and muscle spasms.
From Wikipedia

I asked my mother to go to the pharmacy and get something that would calm me down and make me sleep at night. I’ve been suffering from Insomnia for as long as I can remember, but no one ever took me seriously. Now I’m over eighteen, and I don’t really need anyone’s permission to take what I want need. Out of respect, and maybe in order to avoid arguing with her as well, I asked my mother to go to the pharmacy, maybe have a talk with the doctor who’s usually there, and get me something. I’m not sure she realizes what she brought home, but she got me the a derivative of Valium. Go mom!

So there I am, filled with hope and happiness, completely confident I would have a calm and relaxing night, and that I’d be able to wake up early in the morning. Even though the pills were only five milligrams each, they’re supposed to be a very strong drug, and so I only took one, right after dinner. At night… nothing. The stupid Diazepam did nothing.

I thought it was probably because I was trying too hard to fall asleep. So I stretched my arm and grabbed my iPod. Music, Playlist, Relaxing Sounds of Nature. Birds singing, the ocean waves, wind on trees, very calm and relaxing.

Two thirty in the morning. Not sleeping yet, but almost. A while later I must have fallen asleep, I don’t remember. What I do remember is waking up at six in the morning and not being able to fall asleep until 9. Then I thought, maybe it just takes some time to work, I mean, maybe I have to take it for a few days until it actually works. It says on the box that it can be quite addictive, but I probably have to take more.

So I did the exact same thing the next day, and the same thing happend. I was able to fall asleep early however - because at this stage, two in the morning is early - the problem was I couldn’t seem to stay asleep for long. And I still can’t.

I don’t want to get addicted to Diazepam. I watch these shows on TV on how normal people start needing these kinds of pills to go through their lives and I don’t want that. But I want to be able to sleep and to wake up feeling rested and like I actually slept. By the reactions from most people around me to this, I get the feeling they don’t actually understand how despairing it can get.

Today I had a tiring day. I went out with some friends, we watched a terror movie, walked around the mall…
So I’ll try and take two or three Diazepams today, to see if the fact that I’m tired and the the fact that the drug is so supposedly good, will get me a restful, continuous night of sleep.

Night night, I hope.

In less than a month’s time, I’ll be on my way to my first day of college.

I know I have a lot of work coming, with probably not much time to do the things I like. It’ll probably be difficult too. I’ll still live in my mother’s house, since colleges here aren’t quite the same as some on the rest of the world, but I’ll have a 50 minutes trip everyday, by bus, train and foot. I have two friends from high school who’ll be going with me, so I’ll probably have their company at some times, but still, it’s a completely new and strange place for me. I hardly leave the house to go buy bread or fruit of the super market, let alone taking a train and going to Lisbon.

And I’m so excited now!

I’ve been scared about it, but now, not really. Even the idea of having those 50 minutes (twice, coming and going) excite me! It’s like a couple of hours to read or get some work done. Or even just stare out the window and rest. I’m just so happy high school’s over. For good!

The course is called “Languages, Literatures and Cultures”, so the subjects I’ll have will be completely oriented to what I want. No more “Philosophies” or “Physical Educations” or “Project’s Area”.
I also expect the teacher/student and student/student relationships to be somewhat different. I hope so, at least.

You know what hurts though? The 850€ tuition per year and the monthly bus/train pass of 57.30€. I mean, ouch. When I’m older and have a job and all that, I’m sending my mother to a spa with everything payed for a week. And even still.

For now, I’ll concentrate in enjoying the rest of my summer vacations.