Luna, three months today…
Today marks three months since Luna had to be put to sleep. I’ve mostly been keeping to myself about this, so I want to apologize for the following emo-rant. Since this is my personal blog and I’m allowed to unburden and vent though, I’m just going to be honest: I’m not doing very well.
I finally got the letter from the psychiatrist setting up my appointment, the one in which I’ll ask him for a letter so I can go to yet another psychiatrist, a specialist in ADHD. Apparently there’s a long waiting list, and the date is set to September. We’re in May. I sent the letter asking for the appointment in February, shortly before Luna got sick. February, May, September.
Now, when I asked for that appointment, my main concern was getting help for my focusing and daydreaming issues. But now, this sadness and angst and general disinterest with everything seem a bit more crippling. I’m not sure I can call it depression. I do have good days, when I feel okay. But most of the time I’m either sad or anxious or irritable or just completely tired of everything and everyone. The pressure university brings is not helping. Neither is my family.
And now there’s no one to lick my tears away and snuggle with me and purr me to sleep.
I feel like I’ve done all the ‘crying for help’ thing, and that no one listened, and that now I’m on my own.
Nobody in my everyday life seems to notice. Which is good when I really think about it; that’s actually what I’m going for. I don’t like being the center of attention, and specially not for being sulky. Also, I think that if someone really confronted me about this in real life, and if I tried to talk it out seriously, I’d just end up bursting into tears. With a psychiatrist, that sort of release might be good; with friends and colleagues it’d just be weird and awkward. I guess I’m just not there yet.
On a related note, I finally got a memory box for Luna’s things. She didn’t have that many things really, just a couple of blankets and two stuffed animals she adopted as a result of her psychological pregnancies. Putting them away seemed disrespectful, considering how important she was to me. But so did leaving them lying around the house. After a while of searching, I finally found something suitable, this creamy white box. It’s simple but solid, has two magnets to keep it closed, the lid unfolds gently backwards, and it’s just the right size.
So that’s where I’m keeping her things now. They’re put away, but in a dignified manner, I like to think. Deep down I know it doesn’t matter, that they’re just things. But they do make me feel a bit better, so I’m holding on to them.
I miss her.
Why do you think you are able to post what you feel here, but not “in the real world”?
Like I said, I’m just too emotional. I cry over everything now, both over legitimate reasons and over the littlest things. Talking about it (actual talking, face to face with someone) would definitely end in tears for me. I just can’t help it.
And then, not everyone relates or understands, or even tries to understand. That’s also a factor. It’s easier to find empathy online, as well as to discard improper responses.
September is a long time away, how are you going to manage?
I don’t think I’ve ever been depressed, but when I’m feeling down that’s my fear too, seeming “sulky” to others. It’s not nice, specially when you’re feeling vulnerable like that.
Best wishes dear, hang in there.
I don’t know. One day at a time, and some Diazepam when the anxiety is too overwhelming I guess. There’s not much else I can do but wait and try to make it there.
Thank you.
But what’s wrong with crying?
Well, I guess it depends on who you cry with… But mostly, it’s just embarrassing and awkward. It’s just easier to talk it out and unburden from behind a screen, you know?