My 20th Birthday, life so far…

I kind of gave up on birthdays a while ago. Nothing terrible or anything, I just prefer not to get my expectations set too high and then be disappointed. But there are some birthdays I consider more or less important, or at least relevant, and I like to do something special on those.

The last important one was my 18th, because it was sort of a turning point. I was about to start attending University, about to start the journey that would lead me into independence. My mother, brother and I went to this wonderful Italian restaurant, called Capricciosa, and then for a walk at night, as there’s a sort of fair nearby around this time, something related to Saint Peter. We met some family there, and it was nice. I remember mostly the cake, which was delicious.

This 20th birthday was supposed to be special too. I was really excited about it in the beginning of the year. 2009, the year I’d turn 20. By that time, I though I’d be finishing my second year of University and starting my last, which would have meant I’d survived the first two years; this seems to be the only thing that’s going according to plan. I thought that I was going to learn how to take care of myself too, kitchen wise specially but also with handling documents and similar stuff, so as to be able to be on my own (I think that was in my New Year’s resolutions actually…) I thought that this year would be the beginning of my decade, because independence seems so close now.

My decade. I know it sounds dramatic, but I was really surprised I’d made it that far, with all things considered throughout my life. I’m hoping I’ll have better decades ahead of me of course. But on the beginning of 2009, that was my thought.

I’m even more surprised I made it this far now. I didn’t celebrate this year though. I spent the day in my bedroom mostly. I slept, listened to Franz Ferdinand on my iPod with the volume limit on maximum, and then slept some more. I don’t even remember my mother having wished me a happy birthday. The one person/being I really wanted here anyway isn’t here anymore. I miss my Luna, with whom I’d always share some of the whipped cream from my birthday cake. Not very surprisingly, that’s what was on my mind most of the day.

For the record by the way: I’m not just sulky, I’m also irritable and aggressive. And so no, I’m still not “over that Luna thing yet”, please don’t ask again. People these days, how hard can it be to fake a little empathy?

Continuing. I did try forcing myself to plan a birthday dinner with some friends, but it didn’t work out. And I have to admit, I was kind of relieved it didn’t. Not because I didn’t want to see the friends in question, mostly because being happy is tiring right now. The feeling I had on the beginning of the year just isn’t there anymore.

University is killing me too. Last semester had left me in high spirits, since I did wonderfully. This semester, I’m actually afraid I might fail some subjects. Terrified is more the word. Some out of pure disinterested with whatever was being taught, some because of my high rate of absences. I’m hoping I don’t fail anything. But either way, I’d been doing really well before. Having done my math, and having been passing everything, I can actually fail over three subjects and still finish University next year with a nice and not too busy schedule.

I need to finish University next year. The idea of a Master’s Degree is tempting, but I’m not sure of anything anymore. I feel so horribly trapped in this house, two more years of University seem too much at times. I’m always locked in my bedroom, as it seems to be the only little place that belongs to me, the only place where I feel slightly comfortable. But in what concerns the house and family as an entirety, I had Luna before, and now I’m alone. And that doesn’t make things easy. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m never going to be fully comfortable here. That’s fine. But it’s not easy. And it’s becoming less and less easy as months go by.

I have made a little progress with that bedroom redesigning thing lately though, one that’ll make the comfort better, specially if I don’t leave the room at all. Because one year of three years more of University, I need this little space of mine to be mine. I don’t think it’ll change my feelings or state of mind, but it’s a distraction, and I’ll be needing those with Summer vacations coming. I’ll let you know next week.